The angry side of love
What a weird title to my blog but it’s very apt for me at present. I’m learning to express my anger and that is part of my self love journey. Last month I wrote about self love and how it took me such a long time to figure out what self love really was for me. I’m still learning and realising that expressing my anger is part of loving myself.
No room for anger
Looking back it is interesting to see that I was never given space to be angry. It was not that I was overtly shut down when I was angry (or maybe I was?) but anger was not displayed outwardly in my upbringing. Sometimes, we would know that Mum was angry because the door to the kitchen would be shut and there would be lots of pots banging on the stove, but we wouldn’t know why she was angry, and as my friend rightly pointed out, she still cooked the dinner. So anger in my upbringing was something that was behind closed doors and you still did what you didn’t want to do because that was expected of you.
In a lot of ways, this protected me from traumatic instances of seeing ones parents argue, and I’m actually really grateful for that. I know many, many people suffered greatly as children because of the tension and anger between their parents, and this can have lasting effects on them into adulthood.
But at the same time, it didn’t show me how to express my anger safely, to let someone clearly know when my boundaries have been crossed and what behaviour I find unacceptable. And I’m still learning this today. This is why I’ve titled this blog “The angry side of love” because it’s all about allowing my anger to show as part of my self love and also to ensure those who are close to me understand when they’ve crossed a boundary.
In my marriage, I was very much the people pleaser, the harmony keeper, the person who got along with everyone. If I was angry, I held it in and expressed my feelings at a later date when I could talk about them calmly and without accusing. I wonder now if a good blow out from time to time would have been better for both parties - for me to let off some steam and for my husband to understand how I truly felt about things.
Breaking the habit
The difficult thing is that keeping things harmonious and not creating waves is so ingrained in me that its’ really hard to break the habit. Maybe you can relate? It seems to me that women in general have been taught to keep things calm and safe rather than raise what needs to be said. That’s not so much the case now, but in other lifetimes women didn’t have a leg to stand on and would potentially lose their safety and security. In those times, women were at the mercy of men. No finances, no property, no ability to speak up. It was a case of don’t rock the boat and stay safe.
While that’s not the case today, women are still fighting for equality in so many ways, and the subtle fear of losing safety and security in some form is ingrained through generations of women in our lineages.
And thats why I get so frustrated with myself when I realise I should have said something but didn’t because I’m still putting others first! This happened just last week and I can see it is going to be a focus for me this year. There are plenty of women who stand up for themselves, stand in the power and their sovereignty, but there are also plenty of us who are still trapped in the ‘don’t rock the boat’ scenario. It is part of our journey to understand that it’s okay to be angry, and that this is an important part of us that needs to be expressed.
Authenticity
As I said before, this is part of the self love journey. To recognise that expressing our anger, as well as other emotions, is part of becoming who we really are. The more we hold on to these emotions and don’t express them for fear of upsetting someone else, the less chance we have of becoming our truly authentic self.
I’m not interested in people pleasing any longer. I want to be free to express myself in all my emotions, no matter what form they may take. This doesn’t mean I’m going to be callous or rude, but simply that I’m realising just how important it is to show every aspect of myself, to give every side of me a chance to be seen and heard. There is untold growth in the shadow side of ourselves, and this year is going to be a year of growth for me.
Becoming fully me
I’m ready for this side of me to be heard. I don’t want to hold it in any longer. It’s not benefitting me - only those around me. I’m the one that suffers, not them. And it feels good when I let it out. I don’t always do it in the presence of others, but I’m learning to let my anger out somehow, and that’s good.
So, if you are someone like me, who tends to keep the peace, keep things harmonious, and not rock the boat, consider how this is affecting you and not others. Is it self love if you are holding it in? How will you feel if you let out your anger and your rage? Whilst we need to be mindful of the impact of our words on others, we also need to be mindful of how stifling ourselves affects us on a deep level.
Kàren
