Creating my life
There are many reasons we end up living the life we do, and a lot of the time it’s not because we chose that path, it just kind of happened.
As I look back at the changes that I’ve put in place over the last 5 years, I’ve realised that I’ve been more conscious in my decision making, more aware of the life I want to be leading and therefore making decisions from that place, rather than because I’m accommodating others or because that is the societal norm.
Autopilot
When I look back I realise how much of my life was on autopilot. There were big conscious decisions that I did make. Getting married, living overseas, starting a family.
But there were also many areas in my life where I was making decisions based on what others wanted, what was best for everyone else, or even because I didn’t want to be judged by others. And when I look at this more deeply, I’m surprised by how much influence the fear of judgement had on my decisions.
Floating along
Now that I have control of my life, I can see that I didn’t have control in the past. I thought I did but I was really floating along on the tide of social norms rather than following my own heart.
To be fair, that’s pretty much what we have been taught to do. People pleasing and not having the power to control ones life has been women’s lot for thousands of years. There has been the odd stand out woman (e.g. Joan of Arc), but things often didn’t end well for them.
So what pushed me to take control?
There wasn’t one particular thing. Rather it was a desire for something different that kept building and building within me. My soul was expressing herself through my frustration and resentment, showing me she wanted to be living in a way other than I was. I knew I wanted something different, I just didn’t know what that was.
If you asked me at the time, I wouldn’t have realised this is what was going on, but I can see it clearly when I look back now - 20/20 vision in hindsight!
What does control look like?
For me it has been about actually listening to myself and doing something about it. I realise now that I dreamed of another life but never took action on it. I looked longingly at others who had the kind of life I aspired to but never did anything to achieve it myself.
Some of this was because I was too busy supporting everyone else’s needs, and some of it was because I didn’t know how to make it happen (if only I’d known about coaching!!). But I think most of it was that I I didn’t realise I could do anything about it because my programming was very much about subservience.
This has also been confirmed in the Akashic Records where I’ve been told that I’ve had lifetime after lifetime of being in a subservient role. One of my goals in this lifetime was to break through those subservient barriers and move on with my development. Apparently I’ve been stuck for some time!
It’s also been about having the courage to make decisions that suit me, that fulfil my needs, wants and desires and that also created change in my life. It was about giving myself permission to take control again and do what felt right for me. It took me to the unknown and it felt like a huge leap of faith. For a while I thought the leap of faith hadn’t paid off, and that I’d landed flat on my face. It has taken time to find my feet again.
What I struggled with
While all the cards were still up in the air, I felt like I’d lost my stability, safety and security. And I had. I was in a position where I was back living with my mum at 55 years old (which I never, ever anticipated in my wildest dreams!) with no income to speak of, nowhere to call my own or to put down roots, and a huge question mark ahead of me as to how everything would turn out.
It was challenging, and at times overwhelming. But through it all I also knew, deep down inside, that it was the right decision and that it would eventually come together. Every decision I made from then on would be solely for me.
The benefits
Although it has been challenging at times, it has also been quite liberating and has had some incredible benefits which I hadn’t really thought about before I embarked on this journey of creating my life. These can be summed up in the following:
Self esteem and belief in self - my self esteem has grown immensely and I believe in myself in a way that I didn’t before. A lot of the doubt has gone, replaced by a quiet confidence.
Acceptance of all parts of me - where I shied away from my less savoury parts I’ve been able to look closely at these and accept them as part of who I am.
Time and space - something I’ve not had before, this has been of the greatest value to me. It has allowed me to spend hours exploring aspects of self or doing things I love without the demands or needs of others interfering. It has allowed me to heal wounded parts and build up positive parts without fear of judgement by others about the time I’m spending on this.
Recognising my own strength - I always knew I had a core of strength within me but it has surprised me just how much stronger I am than I realised.
Taking back my power - I’m now in a position where I call the shots. I decide who comes into my life and who doesn’t. I decide exactly how I live my life and it doesn’t really matter whether others agree with me or not. Since there aren’t any significant others in my life right now I have total freedom.
Recognising my worthiness - I now see my needs, wants and desires as worthy. Whereas before I felt (unconsciously) it was more important to support the family and their combined requirements, I can now see how much I gave up in order to make that happen. I’ve realised my needs, wants and desires are just as worthy as anyone else’s. Nobody trumps mine and I don’t trump theirs. They are equally worthy.
Respect for myself - in respecting myself I expect a higher level of respect from others. There are certain things I just won’t put up with anymore. If people are disrespectful, dismissive or choose to make fun of me or my lifestyle and beliefs, then they simply aren’t worthy of being in my life. To put it in computer terms, access denied!
How it’s all coming together
I wouldn’t say I’m totally there yet. I’m still in the process of creating the life I want. There are many area’s I’m still working on and that have yet to come together but I can see it’s there, just around the corner.
Because I’ve had the time and space to focus on myself, to deeply explore my hidden depths, new opportunities are opening up and I’m feeling really excited about the future. These simply could not have happened if I had continued on in my life the way it was. It is only because I’ve begun living my life in a way that works for me and explored the areas that interest me that these opportunities are beginning to come my way.
I’m hugely grateful that I had the strength and courage to make the changes and that I’ve experienced all that I have. I’ve learnt some incredibly valuable lessons along the way and broken some unseen barriers that were holding me in place, keeping me treading water rather than making any real progress towards my life goals or truly finding my authentic self.
I feel an inner peace and contentment which I haven’t felt for a very long time. I have enough and I’m happy with that. I live in a place I love and in a way that I love, and that to me is what is really important. I have space and time. I have freedom and control.
Everything is down to me, and for now, that’s just the way I like it.
Kàren
